AcmeVaporware TorpoPhysics Bulletin #18:
Feline Reactions to TorpoVapor Products

From the AcmeVaporware Institute of TorpoPhysics Bulletin of TorpoPhysicalNews
Number 18, July 5, 1998 by John Baalbeck, Morvalia Tech, Muskego, Wisconsin;
John Smallberries, UC Santa Yritrea, Yritrea, California

Abstract

Cats were exposed to photographs of AcmeVaporware torpovapor products. The products were of various sizes, shapes, styles and manners of sloth-inducement. The cats' responses were recorded and analyzed.

Findings of Prior Investigators

John Patrick Shanley (1958) found inconclusive results in studying feline reactions to pre-miasma product families. John O'Connor and John Picklechmuusen (1990) found inconclusive results in studying feline reactions to early Casperiteä test heads. John Ooomph (1965) found inconclusive results in studying feline reactions to high-sensitivity photophlogiston detection. John Stugelmeyer (1955) found inconclusive results in studying feline reactions to nanotransscopic silicon data (well before this industry ever really existed). John Maxxillofacialattic (1986) found inconclusive results in studying feline reactions to atomic-resolution NTMS vapordata imaging. Other related studies (John Johnson 1972, Caligari 1987, Schwartzenbunger 1983) have since been retracted because the investigators were not able to reproduce their results. All researchers had been operating on U.S. Government "BlackWorld" grants and have since turned up missing or dead, per Federal Order #FO133-900869, subset "A."

John Wharfen (1988) performed a series of experiments in which cats were exposed to photographs of AcmeVaporware CKO, John Yaya (http://acmevaporware.com/acmeprod3.htm), a man whose many patents include all Stanislau Vacuum internal parts and fugitive evaporative network sloth exciminators, which glean data remaining in the vapor path of the recention bridge-hose. After viewing the John Yaya photograph, 26% of the cats exhibited paralysis of the legs and body, including the neck. An additional 31% of the cats exposed to the Bork photograph showed other types of severe neurological and/or pulmocardial distress and/or exhibited extremely violent behavior. Because of this, we did not include a photograph of this AcmeVaporware corporate officer in our study.

Materials

Five photographs were used in the study. The photographs (please see below for list) display a range of different types of Torpovapor products, described as inducing sloth at any given distance (i.e., torpometric). Previous research has shown that ALL felines exhibit inherent torpo-qualities, though this has been ascribed to torpovapor leakage in small appliances and preternatural mother-in-law/small children exigencies.

The test subjects were female cats (males all seemed to burst into flame), all between the ages of four and six. 214 cats participated in the study. Three cats exploded in Franklin/Purr episodes during the study due to causes unrelated to the torpovapor products. Fifteen cats gave birth while viewing the photographs. This is not seen as significant.

Methods

Each cat was exposed to the photographs. One photograph was shown at a time. Each photograph was visible for a span of twenty seconds. The photographs were presented in the same order to each cat.

While each cat was viewing the photographs, it was held by an AcmeVaporware laboratory assistant (shown below in special cat-resistant suit developed by NASA). To ensure that the cats were not influenced by stroking or other unconscious cues from the assistant, the assistant was anesthetized prior to each session. The cats' reactions were assessed for changes in pulse rate, respiration, eye dilation, fur shed rate and qualitative behavior.

NOTE #1: cat consciousnesses were not augmented by any form of psychotropic drug or hallucinogen.

NOTE #2: no cats were intentionally harmed during the course of these tests; however, four AcmeVaporware interns were hospitalized with serious feline backfeet-related claw "burn-out" wounds suffered during the course of the testing. Warning: Maine Coons and Siamese were found to be especially lethal.

Results

The results are presented in Table 1. The quantitative results are average values calculated over the entire feline subject population. The qualitative results are broken out by percentages of the subject population.

The following products were shown to the felines (please reference the AcmeVaporware product family for detail):

1. Idaho Vacuum-Assist Reticulator Nozzle for Gilberto, Schlumberger and Habitech Mainline Systems
2. Omaha Rinconston-vaned HoarkChamber
3. Madison "Break-away" Bi-valve Chamber Obstruction
4. "John Bob-Jones" Splash Ferrule Blast Reticulator
5. Cuyahoga Network Content Flo-Equalizer

Table 1

Pulse Rate:

Idaho Vacuum-Assist Reticulator Nozzle:             +42%
Omaha Rinconston-vaned HoarkChamber:        unchanged
Madison "Break-away" Obstruction:                  +87%
Splash Ferrule Blast Reticulator:                          +2%
Cuyahoga Network Flo-Equalizer:                         unchanged

Respiration:

Idaho:     +186%
Omaha:     unchanged
Madison:     +317%
Splash:     + 3%
Cuyahoga:    unchanged

Eye Dilation:

Idaho:     +23%
Omaha:     +1%
Madison:     +31%
Splash:     +3%
Cuyahoga:    unchanged

Fur Shed Rate:

Idaho:      +12%
Omaha:     unchanged
Madison:     +19%
Splash:     +2%
Cuyahoga:     unchanged

Qualitative Behavior:

Idaho:
52% attacked photograph; hissing; spitting; generally agitated behavior
34% fled
14% had no visible response.

Omaha:
2% attacked photograph
1% fled
1% licked photograph
94% had no visible response.

Madison:
79% attacked photograph; hissing; generally violent, agitated behavior; chaotic tail twitch; screeching; spitting; incontinence
19% fled
2% had no visible response.

Splash:
7% attacked photograph
1% fled
91% had no visible response.

Cuyahoga:
100% No visible response.

Interpretation

1. Cat sloth was severely impacted/eliminated by AcmeVaporware Idaho or Madison bi-valve torpovapor products
2. Cats sloth was increased or nominalized by Omaha, Splash ferrule and Cuyahoga torpovapor products
3. Cats are confused and/or disturbed by unassuming bald men with several advanced torpometric degrees (as evidenced by feline reaction to John Yaya).

These interpretations are not categorical, but have been cataloged. They are subject to several obvious qualifications. This study did determine that all cats are insane, and/or demon-possessed, yet exhibit loveable tendencies that increase/decrease human sloth and cat-food purchasing at various degrees of separation.

Bibliography

Shanley, John Patrick, "Cat Reactions to Harmonies Produced by Torpometric Inducing Machinery," in Western Musicology Journal, March/April 1958, vol. 11, no. 2, pp. 4-21.
O'Connor and Picklechmuusen, John "Feline Responses to Extraneous Torpovapors," in Midwestern Sociological Review, January 1986, vol. 32, no. 1, pp 51-79.
Ooomph, John "Feline Responses to to high-sensitivity photophlogiston detection," in Urban Sociology Review, November 25, 1987, vol. 21, no. 36, pp. 302-321.
Hog, John Winthrop, "Feline Torpor-Reactions to Supreme Court Nominees," in Journal of Feline Forensic Studies, vol. 12, no. 8, August 1988, pp. 437-450.
O'Connor, John, Y., "Feline Responses to Nanotransscopic Silicon Data," in Journal of Silicon Trauma, May 30, 1990, vol. 42, no. 17, pp. 309-324.
Quoober, John, "Cat Responses to U.S. Government "BlackWorld" Projects," in Torpovatria Proceedings Monthly, May 1965, vol. 3, no. 5, pp. 251-262.
Schwartzenbunger, John, "A Study of How Cats Respond to Really Weird Things and Vacuum Cleaners," in Hair/Mind/Body Review, December 1983, vol. 3, no.12, pp. 25-108.
Seuss, Dr. John, "Feline Responses to Hats & Torpometric Ataxia," in Veterinary Developmental Studies, July 1955, vol. 32, no. 7, pp. 54-62.

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Support Torpodata Feline Recovery projects in your own neighborhood. Use duct tape; cats LOVE duct tape. Copyright © 1999, 2000 AcmeVaporware, Inc. Please note that the above piece was based on an original piece penned by one Marc Abrahams (marca@chem2.harvard.edu), chief guru editor guy for the Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) in Cambridge, MA. Note also: AIR is NOT a puppet information vehicle of Morvalia Tech University. The rumors are simply not true. We were never here. You never saw us.